i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
