I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
