It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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