I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
