I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
