It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
