The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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