This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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