when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
