Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
