New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
