shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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