oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
