someone threw a dead crab at me
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Be still, my beating vagina.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
