Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
