im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
