the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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