I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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