i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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