yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
