I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
