after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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