"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
