My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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