college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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