The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
