His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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