Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
