I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
