I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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