didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
