i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
