I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
