Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
