she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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