his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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