hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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