i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
