I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
