And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
