Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
