I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
