In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
you had me at cake vodka
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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