I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
