On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
