If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
