I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
