my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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