The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
