Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
